Twilight in 15 Minutes
by mage-luna
Summary: Twilight spoofed and condensed. Written by Tayo.


**A/N: This was written by my boyfriend, not me. It's a spoof, not because he hates Twilight, but because he likes to spoof everything. (Even himself.)**

Neither of us own Twilight.

Twilight in 15 minutes!

*Phoenix  
Bella: I want to go to Forks  
Mom: I thought you hated Forks  
Bella: I do  
Mom: Then why are you going?  
Bella: Because I hate you and Phil more  
Mom: Ok honey.

*Forks  
Bella: I hate Forks it rains why did you send me?  
Mom: I don't understand you  
Bella: Nobody understands me

*later*  
Charlie: Hey Bella. Let's not talk about this, all right?  
Bella: Talk about what?  
Charlie: Anything at all, really.  
Bella: We'll get along nicely then

*First Day of School  
Bella: I hate rain!  
Rain: Yo.  
Bella: I also hate people. I hope I don't meet any people today.  
Chess Club Eric: Wanna go to prom?  
Bella: No!  
Mike: Hey baby, want to go to prom?  
Bella: No!  
Jessica: Hey Bella, want to go to  
Bella: No!  
Jessica: Want to go to the cafateria?  
Bella: No!

*Lunchroom of Backstory  
Bella: Who's he?  
Jessica: Edward Cullen  
Bella: What's he like?  
Jessica: People say he's nice, but since he won't date me he must be an asshole.  
Bella: Makes sense to me

*Biology Class  
Edward: *is hot*  
Bella: *is shallow*  
Edward: *is cold*  
Bella: Waaah he's so mean!

*Snowy parking lot of DOOM  
Tyler: Oh dang, I learned to drive at a crappy school and now I'm gonna crash!  
Bella: See this? This is why I hate Forks!  
Tyler: They see me rollin like a gangsta.  
Edward: Stelllllaaaaa! I mean Belllaaaaa!  
*heroic leap*  
Bella: How did you do that?  
Edward: Do what?  
Bella: Save my life  
Edward: Not telling.  
Bella: Waaaah you're so mean!

*The next day*  
Tyler: Hey, sorry for almost killing you, eh?  
Bella: Sure  
Tyler: You sure about that?  
Bella: Yeah, it happens 20 times in this book  
Tyler: Want to go to prom?  
Bella: Die!

Edward: So then, want to go to  
Bella: I'll punch you in the face!  
Edward: Seattle?  
Bella: Oh, yes.  
Edward: But stay away from me, it's for your own good.  
Bella: Waaah, you're so mean!

*Biology (without Edward!)  
Mr. Banner: Prick yourself, you little pricks.  
Bella: Blood? *faints*  
Mike: Mike to the rescue!  
Edward: Sniped! I'll save her by entering a clinic full of bleeding people! Brilliant!  
Bella: Blood...lol...  
Edward: Skipping is good for you, let's skip class  
Bella: yay!

*The shiny Volvo  
Bella: Slow down! Slow down! You took lessons with Courtesy Driving School, didn't you?  
Edward: Please. I drive Magic-style  
Bella: Ok then.  
Edward: So what's you family like?  
Bella: It's like a family  
Edward: You are so interesting! Can I subscribe to your newsletter?

*Beach party  
Jacob: I'm Jacob  
Bella: Let's get away from the group so we can have a private conversation filled with plot points  
Jacob: All right  
Bella: Hey Jacob, why am I flirting with you?  
Jacob: I think you're setting up for the second book.  
Bella: Oh, right.  
Jacob: Anyways, I've been hearing some rumors on the internet. I think Edward might be a vampire.  
Bella: Really? How sure are you?  
Jacob: 110%  
Bella: Really?  
Jacob: Really.  
Bella: Really really?  
Jacob: Yeah.  
Bella: Well I'm glad we got to know each other better. If anyone asks, we've known each other for ten years.  
Jacob: uh...ok! One more thing.  
Bella: Yeah?  
Jacob: Want to go to prom?  
Bella: No!

*At home  
Bella: I'm going to Seattle, ok?  
Charlie: Hey Bella, sure you don't want to go to Prom?  
Bella: grr.

*Some random town  
Bella: Stupid unreliable vampire  
Girls: We ditch you now, k?  
Men: We're adding some danger to this book  
Edward: Get in the car. I'm superbad. I mean supermad.  
Bella: What was the point of this scene?  
Edward: I saved you again. Ad now you're somehow magically crazy for me, even though you hated me five pages back.

*School again  
Jessica: Bella I hate you.  
Bella: Hey Mike go talk to Jessica  
Jessica: OMG you are the BEST FRIEND EVER!  
Edward: By the way, I read minds.  
Bella: What number am I thinking of?  
Edward: Damn I suck at this game.

*In a forest  
Edward: Steps into the light  
Bella: Ooh, shiny!  
Edward: I think I might kill you now  
Bella: kk  
Edward: I'm very dangerous  
Bella: yeah.  
Edward: I think I'm going to eat you now  
Bella: whatever.  
Edward: No really, I'm going to bite you and drink your blood and then you'll be dead. It might even hurt.  
Bella: Your voice is so beautiful.  
EdwarD: Whatever, let's just kiss now so you forget everything I just said  
*kiss*  
Fangirls: Yay!  
Edward: I carry you at fast speeds now

*Back in Forks!  
Edward: Can I date Bella?  
Charlie: Oh all right. But what about Jacob?  
Bella: I'll get to him next book Dad  
Charlie: All right then. Carry on.

*Vampire house  
Edward: Hey Carlisle.  
Carlisle: Hey Bella. Want to go to the prom?  
Bella: *glare*  
Alice: Hi, my name is Alice. I'm the coolest character in this book, yet I don't get a line of dialogue until page 323. What gives?  
Bella: You're just not shallow enough to star in this book.  
Alice: *frowns* I predict a giant black dog, who is really your godfather, will come and.... wait, sorry... I predict you will die.  
Bella: Ok, whatever.  
Carlisle: I'm here to fix everything.  
Edward: All right, but first let's play baseball!

*Ballpark  
Vampires: Play Ball!  
Hunter: Hello.  
Laurent, Hey Bella, mahn, want to go to thah Prom?  
Bella: No!  
Carlisle: Like zoinks! Let's split up and look for clues!  
Bella: *cries self to sleep*

*On da phone  
Hunter: Bella, yer mom.  
Bella: $&$#&^%*  
Hunter: Want to meet me?  
Bella: Sure

*Big fight scene of death  
Hunter: Just kidding about yer mom.  
Bella: Oh well.  
Hunter: You're going to die.  
Bella: Yeah  
Hunter: That would bother most people.  
Bella: Yeah  
Hunter: Do you hate living or something?  
Bella: Yeah  
Hunter: o_0  
Edward: Stabbity!  
Hunter: Ach!  
Carlisle: Edward, you have to drink her blood!  
Edward: No! It's too tasty!  
Carlisle: Edward, I am your father!  
Edward: Noooooooooo!  
*drinks blood*

*In the hospital  
Carlisle: Everything magically ficed itself.  
Bella: Mom?  
Carlisle: Safe.  
Bella: Hunter?  
Carlisle: Dead.  
Bella: Edward?  
Carlisle: Still hot.  
Bella: Ok, everything's good now.

*Dramatic scene with Edward  
Bella: Make me a vampire!  
Edward: No! That would solve everything! It's too convenient! Let's just kiss more.  
*Big Kiss*  
Edward: I'm taking you to Prom.  
Bella: No!  
~fin


End file.
